30 January 2009

28 January 2009

Sublimation is pointless in the Microscale setting.

Today's not over yet, but I feel more like writing something than doing lab. Which is weird. I never feel like doing lab the evening I have it, but I feel like I need to get a lot of things done as soon as I can.
Tomorrow, I have to work at um... nine I think. Yeah nine. Ugh. Maybe I should just go to bed now...
I'm exhausted. Probably for a lot of reasons other than the sleeping for only five hours part. I feel drained. And kind of shaky. Dinner sucked today, so I'll blame dinner.
Today, Dante was cancelled. Apparently, Steve Wrinn lives far enough away that the journey to Syracuse in this weather is bad enough to be deemed dangerous. It meant I could go to dinner. It definitely was not worth it.
I hate working in groups with people I don't know and therefore are not comfortable with. Unfortunately, Calculus is all over that. Mike Miller seems to think it's a grand idea. I would rather figure out problems by myself, but he freaks out every time he says "groups" and I'm not near another human being. I feel like I should have the option to work by myself. It would have been nice in Calculus lab today.
The human I work with is named Thomas Harrington, and when he introduced himself to me last week when we were deemed "partners" by Miller, he had this goofy "I'm still in high school in my mind and feeling silly because you're a girl," smile on his face. It made me want to punch him. But maybe I'm just irritable.
But I hate having to do that. Work with someone who irritates me, and having to rely on them to get the right answer, and if you see something wrong, hope that you pointing it out will cause them to correct it instead of initiating a debate about who is actually correct. I hate the idea of relying on someone else to do something correctly so that you don't get a bad grade. Or fired. Or dead. It's like...carpooling. I could never carpool to work, because I would get so nervous and upset if I was late because someone else was late because they were doing their hair, or shearing sheep. Or eating their weight in toast. I remember once when my mom drove me to work before I got my car, because she needed hers for the day, and she dropped me off like, ten minutes late. I was so ticked off. I always got her to and from work on time when I borrowed her car, and she made me late. I suppose I shouldn't have been so upset about it, but it was like... I don't know. I hate unreliability. If I'm going to be late, I want it to be because I was negligent. If I get a bad grade on an assignment or a project, I want it to be because I messed it up. I guess it's also because I hate blaming other people, whether or not it's their fault.
I mean, working together kind of ensures that you'll catch each other's mistakes [by which I'm referring to working together in class, not projects in which people work on things at home and put it together and glue everyone's name on it with tacky glue and gold leaf], but there's no guarantee that if you catch it, they'll acknowledge it. You might just fight about it for a while and then get ticked off, and result to pointing out the mistake when the grade comes back and it's bad. And I hate arguing with people. I'm bad at it. Even if I know I'm right, or that my idea is good, as soon as someone says, "that's stupid, you suck," I can never think of anything to say. My argument falls apart. I'm bad at countering things, is what it is.
On a much lighter note, I'm seeing Bill this weekend. It's very exciting, and I can't wait. I know I only saw him like, two weeks ago, but I miss him. I was so happy cuddling and watching movies and stuff. I want those things to last forever. Someday, they will, but Someday seems like a long wait away. This weekend is a long wait away.
I'm starting to feel similar to the way I do after I've had two coffees and nothing else to drink. Shaky. Nervous. Jittery. Distracted. But I haven't had any coffee today. Just tea. Maybe I'm just really hungry.


Stand up
Stand tall
Say it loud and proud,
Just like they say...
Unlike they say.

Open up.
Deep breath.
In
Out
In.
Words
streaming, flowing, drifting, bursting.
Pause.
Dramatic effect.
A sly smile, and a glance around the room.
You've caught their attention.
Their waiting.
Words
streaming, flowing, drifting, bursting.
Exclamations, provocations, questions, answers,
cries, whispers.
Leaning in. They're caught. Can't get out.

In
Out
In.

SPEAK.



That came from the word SPEAK, which I wrote in my creative writing notebook on Tuesday.

This is how I feel today, particularly about the current weather situation.

27 January 2009

"It's time to invent 'grains of salt language.' It's going to be a language we can use to explain complicated things and feelings more precisely."

I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel right now. Definitely not accomplished.
It's like... happy lonely sucky sick-of-snow something. Can I turn that into a state of being?
I don't want to do things that require thought and concentration towards... almost anything.
I want to play video games, and solve puzzles, and eat something delicious.
I want things that I know are delicious to actually be delicious.
I got upset in freaking Creative Writing because of the poem I wrote about Xena. Stupid. Shouldn't have written it. Or chosen it to read. Or gotten upset. I just shouldn't be so emotional all the time. But I couldn't help it. She was a good portion of my inspiration to keep wearing the brace, after I met her. Even if I didn't know it. I couldn't remember her name until sometime after I got out of the brace. My mom mentioned her name. I just kept thinking, "If I get through this, I won't have to get the surgery, like that girl."
Thinking about kisses makes me cry.

25 January 2009

Spearmint flavoured thoughts

Finally, this weekend is over. I guess I should be happy about weekends, but this one just was. I don't know. I've just felt so annoyed and uncaring and...blah. Food sucked the whole way through. Even today, when we had chicken tenders at dinner, something I usually enjoy. I was so sick of it that I didn't even finish the last piece, and there was only four.
I just feel so jaded to everything. I don't want to eat or shower or go places or anything. In fact, if my back wouldn't have killed me for it, I probably would have just stayed in bed all weekend. Everything just seems so unappealing and... almost annoying. Like, maybe I want to stay in bed because then I won't have to deal with anything. Oh well.
On a less depressing note, I did watch Quarantine for the second time tonight. It was playing the fishbowl, so Jimand/orJames and I went to see it. I laughed through most of it, which in retrospect is kind of side, but I still got unnerved by that Boston guy. Ugh. It's just a disturbing scene.
Hopefully, things will get a little better as this week carries out. At least, I certainly hope so, because being this... I don't know, uncaring is... It's kind of annoying I guess. I don't know. Whatever. Time for some Dante.

24 January 2009

Leather Lounge Lunacy

Today, I woke up twenty minutes before three, and sat around, did some homework, and then went to dinner. After dinner, Jim and I went to play pool in the leather lounge, but Trippy Kevin was there, and I played with him. Soon after Jim left, a bunch of Trippy Kevin's friends came, including Joy, and Sammy, some guy from Kenya who works at IT.
We soon got into a discussion about philosophy, and why we have to take so many philosophy courses, and then debated about a hundred other things. Somehow, Trippy Kevin gave me his headphones and had me listen to some music, which is odd, since he doesn't really seem like that kind of guy, and then he left. And I was there, with Joy and Sammy and Francis, and two other guys, and we talked about a lot of stuff. We told fish stories and pet stories and talked about a lot of other things. I can't even remember anymore. We stayed there in the leather lounge talking for nearly five hours. It was insane! And then I decided to leave, since I had to work on this creative writing homework and take pills.
It was really fun, but I kept getting that feeling that I don't really belong there, talking and laughing with them. It's a feeling I've been having a lot lately.
As for this creative writing homework, I'm finding the journal assignment to be really dumb. It's asking for so much, and I keep losing focus. I'll have to finish it tomorrow. I just can't do it tonight. The second part of the assignment shouldn't be that hard, though. I've already written half of the story, and I know what the poem is going to be about. So, as long as the words come out right, I should be fine.
I remember that, when I woke up this afternoon, I realized that I had missed BRUNCH, and I didn't really care at all. And I wasn't even thinking about going to dinner until I had started feeling shaky. As it turns out, dinner these last few days has been pretty sucky. But I also find that I just don't care. Food doesn't seem to interest me much. I had mushrooms for dessert today, again. But that was because the real desserts didn't even sound appealing. I suppose that sounds really ridiculous.
I'm also getting really easily annoyed. It happens sometimes, and the feeling usually passes pretty quickly, but it's not this time. So I don't know what is happening to me. I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, though.
As for right now, though, I think it's time for bed. I haven't been awake that long, but I am tired, and my back is starting to hurt from sitting in this chair.
Goodnight.

23 January 2009

I wrote some poem. It needs some work. I thought about it on my way to dinner.

I didn’t see it coming
It came from nowhere
From everywhere.
It came from the side.

I was just crossing the street.

I heard bones shattering,
Splintering,
Exploding.
Muscles tore
like paper.
The world became a vacuum,
like space.
I wanted to go there someday.

As I fell to the ground, I could only think:
This is what it must feel like
to Fly.

22 January 2009

A New Start

I kind of feel like I'm following Lisa's example, which seems mean, like cheating, but I feel like this is a good idea. Better than Xanga. This way, I can give this site to people I want to read these things, and not have to worry about making it private.
Unfortunately, I'm not smart enough with computers to make my background any more interesting, or else I'd put some polar bears on it. Oh well. For anyone who is truly offended by the lack of aesthetics, I am sorry.
Lately I feel... I don't know. Lonely. Unfortunately, being lonely seems to make me write better. So I'm going to have to learn to write better when I'm happy too, because I don't want to be lonely all the time just because I want to write.
Right now, I feel kind of shaky. I guess it's because I didn't eat much for dinner and I drank coffee. So I might have low blood sugar and be slightly dehydrated. So I'll have to make sure to eat something I guess.
I seem to finally have heat in my room that works well enough to survive in. It still gets kind of chilly at night, though, so I might just have to wear a sweater when I'm not in bed. But I came back from work this evening and it was warm. I even wore just a T-shirt and felt comfortable. Now, though, my fingers are starting to get cold and my arms are, too. So I guess I'll just wear a sweater. It's better than Monday night, when I was so cold and shivery I actually cried.
I have to write an autobiography with at least one lie in it for CRW. It's kind of hard to find something about my life to lie about, but I think that's the point of the exercise. If you can convincingly make up something about your life, then you can surely make stuff up from the top of your head. I guess I just can't figure out what the lie should be. Also, we have to write a poem about it, and that's going to be even harder. I guess I'll figure it out.
I keep thinking about all these things that make me sad and lonely, and I'm not entirely sure why. I try not to get too distressed by it during the day, because I have to go to class and lunch and Wegmans, and I don't want to ruin those times, or lose my focus. Classes are going to be hard enough this semester without me not being able to pay attention because I'm too busy being sad.
I can't help but think about Lisa's transfer to RIT. I try to ignore it, because I know it's not happening just yet, but makes me really sad. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it when the time comes...
Oh well. I guess.. I don't know. I'll figure things out somehow. For now, I have to figure out philosophy.