I went to my dad's house last weekend for October break. I love going there in October, because it's always so beautiful. I miss the autumn when I'm here, because it passes by so quickly and it seems like it's snowing before I can even blink my eyes. Back in Philmont, I was able to take a day to walk around town and take in the air and the smell and the sights of autumn. It was wonderful. The kind of thing I hope to never entirely lose in life. The kind of thing that can always make me happy. No matter what.
Over the break, I met with my mom for coffee, and she told me that I've lost a lot of weight. I didn't really believe her, until my dad hugged me, and told me I felt so much smaller to him. I don't see it, but then again, I see myself every day. Gradual changes are hard to notice.
Over the break, I had to bring my dad's girlfriend to Hudson for a job interview. On the way back she asked me: "Andrea, are you having dinner at my house?" MY HOUSE. I shuddered. I threw her out of the car. I pulled over and screamed in her face, told her that it will never be her house, no matter how hard she wished it was, that it was my dad's house, and yes, even MY house, and not hers never ever ever hers. That was what happened in my head. My real response was "no."
I wanted to bring my flute back here. Or one of my clarinets. Playing music always keeps me calm. I forgot them.
Today, I got my biochem exam back, finally. It took almost three weeks. Turns out I failed it. 61 points. I wanted to puke. I can't recall ever failing an exam. I felt like I failed the whole class. That everything I worked for my whole life was garbage, and there was no way any grad school would ever except me with a failing grade. I swallowed it all up and went to my next class. I don't really get upset anymore. Or, I try not to. It's going well.
I talked to the professor. We went over the exam. Figured out where and why I screwed up. I asked if there's anyway I can still do well in the class. She smiled warmly at me and said "Absolutely." I hope so. The first thoughts that ran into my head afterward were that I should never take breaks again. Sleep very little. Study all the time. Know every little thing inside and out. I knew it was unreasonable. That's how my brain works. I think that I know something, and when I realize I don't, I think of ways to know every tiny aspect of it, because I feel like a disappointment to myself that I couldn't prove my knowledge. My brain probably doesn't work in the way it's supposed to most of the time.
I've gotten a cold, somewhere. It's one of my bad ones. The kind that makes it hard to walk, because my legs are so weak for no reason, and time passes by without notice. The kind that makes it so that I start a song, and it's over before I realize what exactly I'm listening to. This kind of cold makes me feel delirious. My mom thinks I have a flu. I do not have a fever, so bullocks to that, probably.
I like this photo a lot. It was taken on the property of where my mom works.
Just cute things my ratties do. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to catch it on the camera.
These are some chocolates that my mother picked up for me. They where pretty good.
During this break, Dante actually behaved pretty well, so he's my friend for now.
