Yesterday, I rode my bike [albeit with insufficient air in the tires] down Church St, going as fast as I could, arms outstretched, the wind through my hair. It was amazing. The kind of feeling you don't mind waiting all year for.
Today, I'm trying to find some good qualities about me. It seems like, lately, I've only discovered bad ones - self esteem, for example - and it worries me, because I suddenly feel like I have nothing good about me, nothing that keeps people around me anymore. I'm worried that these things are going to destroy my relationships unless I find some good qualities to strengthen, as well as targeting the bad ones.
I'm really sick. I saw a doctor yesterday, and she told me I have tonsilitis, and gave me an antibiotic. I've discovered that I'm congested enough to make it too hard to play hide-and-seek, which I tried to play with my brother and some of our friends yesterday. I've lost a lot of sleep over it. I can't breathe through my nose, because I'm congested, but breathing through my mouth is painful, so I keep waking up and then I'm not able to go back to sleep. Hopefully, I'll start feeling better soon.
Dante hurt his paw on Tuesday, when I got back. He managed to open the screen door by himself and ran to my car and jumped all over me when I opened the door, and I noticed he got blood on my pants. He's been licking and biting at his paw ever since. He's actually been pretty well behaved thus far, so I'm happy about that.
Earlier, when I was looking for my comb, I fell onto the floor and just started crying hysterically. I have no idea why. It's not like losing my comb was so devastating, and I even asked myself why I was suddenly freaking out. It's kind of scary. I hope that doesn't happen again.
14 May 2009
11 May 2009
This is it
It's inevitable.
The semester is over, and I never had a say in it. I wish I had. I want things to keep going, just a little while longer. It won't happen. The kind of pain I'm feeling has no words, but every word.
How do you smile when your lungs are screaming for air?
The semester is over, and I never had a say in it. I wish I had. I want things to keep going, just a little while longer. It won't happen. The kind of pain I'm feeling has no words, but every word.
How do you smile when your lungs are screaming for air?
20 April 2009
I don't really feel like writing stuff, so here's some photos of the crazy things I got for my birthday.
Not actually a birthday present. I saw this little glass owl in Ananda's Bliss today and had the desire to own it.
From my dad. So silly.
From Kaira. I told her to give me a dinosaur for my birthday, thinking it would be a ridiculous request, and this was her response.
From my dad. We all love ninjas.
From Lisa. It's Al, from Fullmetal Alchemist
From my brother. I saw it in Hot Topic, tried it on and loved it. He responded by taking it from me, telling me "shhh" and buying it.
From Jamie. It's a pillow. So crazy.
From Naoko. Cuute.
Also from Naoko.
14 April 2009
Today is a day for a little introspection...
I will try to update current events soon, but today, I can't get something off of my mind. It's not really all that depressing I guess, just something I can't stop thinking about.
I feel uneasy.
I think it's because of this girl who was overtly staring at me in Friendly's yesterday. She watched everything I did, and her eyes followed me to and from the bathroom. She honestly made no effort to hide her interest in me.
For some reason, this incident brings to mind a couple of summers ago, when this girl came up to me in Cumberland Farms when I was getting a slushie. She said to me, "Wow, you're seriously ugly," and brought her sister over to confirm, who was extremely eager to do so. She then asked, "Why do you even bother to go out in public? Do you really think anyone wants to look at you?" I remember telling her that I liked the way I looked, and I wasn't going to change it for a bratty teenager. And she told me that that was a shame, because I really did look terrible. She sounded so angry, so upset, so... offended that I happened to be in her presence that day. I didn't say anything else as she left the store.
I remember that my first thought was wondering where her mother was. I wondered if her mother would have done anything, or would have also told me that I am indeed ugly.
I was angry for a while. I felt like it was rude to go up to someone you don't know and verbally assault them for no particular reason.
My final thought was that this was probably how quite a few people saw me. This is how the people whose eyes had followed me throughout the years were thinking, but never said. I wondered if it really meant that I was ugly.
I guess this little girl, probably thirteen or fourteen, just threw me off. Maybe she was thinking the same thing about me. Maybe she was just curious because my hair is about six different colours. There's really no way to know. I guess I shouldn't really worry about it, but it was just something that has been stuck in my mind.
I bought some toys in Boston. Here's one.
I feel uneasy.
I think it's because of this girl who was overtly staring at me in Friendly's yesterday. She watched everything I did, and her eyes followed me to and from the bathroom. She honestly made no effort to hide her interest in me.
For some reason, this incident brings to mind a couple of summers ago, when this girl came up to me in Cumberland Farms when I was getting a slushie. She said to me, "Wow, you're seriously ugly," and brought her sister over to confirm, who was extremely eager to do so. She then asked, "Why do you even bother to go out in public? Do you really think anyone wants to look at you?" I remember telling her that I liked the way I looked, and I wasn't going to change it for a bratty teenager. And she told me that that was a shame, because I really did look terrible. She sounded so angry, so upset, so... offended that I happened to be in her presence that day. I didn't say anything else as she left the store.
I remember that my first thought was wondering where her mother was. I wondered if her mother would have done anything, or would have also told me that I am indeed ugly.
I was angry for a while. I felt like it was rude to go up to someone you don't know and verbally assault them for no particular reason.
My final thought was that this was probably how quite a few people saw me. This is how the people whose eyes had followed me throughout the years were thinking, but never said. I wondered if it really meant that I was ugly.
I guess this little girl, probably thirteen or fourteen, just threw me off. Maybe she was thinking the same thing about me. Maybe she was just curious because my hair is about six different colours. There's really no way to know. I guess I shouldn't really worry about it, but it was just something that has been stuck in my mind.
I bought some toys in Boston. Here's one.
04 April 2009
There's a lot to do... I think
I am having one of those days where I feel like I'm a total suck, and people would be better off having other friends and sisters and whatever, because I'm just dragging people down. This is a problem. This is happening a lot lately, and I'm afraid that I'm actually going to drive everyone out of my life because I can't keep my mental state stable enough to properly function as a human being. I'm afraid I'm going to cause relationships to change in such a way that people only talk to me because they feel like they have to, but when they do, be really cautious about what they say because they're afraid I'm going to get upset about what they say and run off to jump off things.
I guess that means I seriously need to reevaluate my thoughts, and how I'm handling things in life. Although the first step is really to figure out what the crap is bothering me so much.
I keep having this overwhelming sense of loneliness, even when I'm around people. It's like... I'm sitting in the background watching people talk and laugh and hug, and I just can't get in. Or shouldn't. I don't even know.
I took an organic exam yesterday. I studied for two or three days straight for it [I don't really remember..], and it was really hard, because there were a lot of reactions to remember. I had to remember Friedel-Crafts acylation, and what the Tollens reagent is [Silver oxide, I think], and which reactions are proton transfers, and which nitrogen-based nucleophile yields an imine versus an enamine... Just so much. And when I study, I feel like I can't remember anything just moments afterwards. I'll read over, like, the reaction mechanism for acetals and hemiacetals, and stop and try to go through them in my head again, and I can't remember anything. It's scary. It makes me wonder how I remember anything for the exam. Somehow, I do.
Anyway, the exam seemed kind of easy. I even finished early enough to be able to look through all my answers again and redid some of them. I'm thinking another 80something for this one. I don't know what I'd do if I got a 90 on an exam for that class. Die, maybe. Or just cry. Or think Mullins just felt really bad for me and raised my grade.
Oh, the Dante quiz I thought I messed up really bad... I actually got a 91 on. ...so yeah.
Took an exam in Dante on Wednesday. I'm kind of worried about my essay answers, because it felt like I was just rambling about stuff that may have been irrelevant, but who knows? He grades pretty quickly, so I'll know probably by Monday.
Also, I finally got my philosophy midterm back, and it only served to affirm that I don't have to pay attention in the class pretty much at all. I got a 95, and I spent most of the time of the beginning part of that class playing on my iPod and doodling. So.. that class is crap.
When I was studying for my organic exam on Thursday, I suddenly got ideas for a story, and wrote them down in a notebook. I've started working out a profile for my characters, something Linda suggested to the class to "get to know your character better." I'm hoping that by doing this, my story won't suck that much.
There are some good things, lately. I cut my hair, but I guess that was mostly because I went insane and decided it was too long and couldn't wait until I went to my dad's to have it cut. Also, I got my ear pierced. It was kind of scary, but it's doing fine now. It hurts a little sometimes, but it hasn't started draining yet, although when it decides to do so, I'm sure it'll do it with a vengeance.
I got to see Bill over the weekend, and then again for a day during the week, so that was really fun and delicious. It's so nice to sleep with him and cuddle and stuff. It just makes me so happy.
My brother is coming to visit in a couple of weeks, so that's pretty exciting. He's going to come for a few days during his spring break and I'm going to bring him back with me and Lisa when we go to my dad's for my birthday.
The Boston trip is also coming up next week, and that's going to be pretty fun. I'm pretty excited about going to museums and art galleries and coffee shops and food and all over the place.
I guess that means I seriously need to reevaluate my thoughts, and how I'm handling things in life. Although the first step is really to figure out what the crap is bothering me so much.
I keep having this overwhelming sense of loneliness, even when I'm around people. It's like... I'm sitting in the background watching people talk and laugh and hug, and I just can't get in. Or shouldn't. I don't even know.
I took an organic exam yesterday. I studied for two or three days straight for it [I don't really remember..], and it was really hard, because there were a lot of reactions to remember. I had to remember Friedel-Crafts acylation, and what the Tollens reagent is [Silver oxide, I think], and which reactions are proton transfers, and which nitrogen-based nucleophile yields an imine versus an enamine... Just so much. And when I study, I feel like I can't remember anything just moments afterwards. I'll read over, like, the reaction mechanism for acetals and hemiacetals, and stop and try to go through them in my head again, and I can't remember anything. It's scary. It makes me wonder how I remember anything for the exam. Somehow, I do.
Anyway, the exam seemed kind of easy. I even finished early enough to be able to look through all my answers again and redid some of them. I'm thinking another 80something for this one. I don't know what I'd do if I got a 90 on an exam for that class. Die, maybe. Or just cry. Or think Mullins just felt really bad for me and raised my grade.
Oh, the Dante quiz I thought I messed up really bad... I actually got a 91 on. ...so yeah.
Took an exam in Dante on Wednesday. I'm kind of worried about my essay answers, because it felt like I was just rambling about stuff that may have been irrelevant, but who knows? He grades pretty quickly, so I'll know probably by Monday.
Also, I finally got my philosophy midterm back, and it only served to affirm that I don't have to pay attention in the class pretty much at all. I got a 95, and I spent most of the time of the beginning part of that class playing on my iPod and doodling. So.. that class is crap.
When I was studying for my organic exam on Thursday, I suddenly got ideas for a story, and wrote them down in a notebook. I've started working out a profile for my characters, something Linda suggested to the class to "get to know your character better." I'm hoping that by doing this, my story won't suck that much.
There are some good things, lately. I cut my hair, but I guess that was mostly because I went insane and decided it was too long and couldn't wait until I went to my dad's to have it cut. Also, I got my ear pierced. It was kind of scary, but it's doing fine now. It hurts a little sometimes, but it hasn't started draining yet, although when it decides to do so, I'm sure it'll do it with a vengeance.
I got to see Bill over the weekend, and then again for a day during the week, so that was really fun and delicious. It's so nice to sleep with him and cuddle and stuff. It just makes me so happy.
My brother is coming to visit in a couple of weeks, so that's pretty exciting. He's going to come for a few days during his spring break and I'm going to bring him back with me and Lisa when we go to my dad's for my birthday.
The Boston trip is also coming up next week, and that's going to be pretty fun. I'm pretty excited about going to museums and art galleries and coffee shops and food and all over the place.
24 March 2009
Falling apart
I'm having a lot of trouble lately.
I keep getting distracted from my homework. I'm starting to do things at the last minute again. I'm getting frustrated with customers who call and say "I just unzipped this file that has a program in it, but I can't find it," and I have to remind them that it's probably in the programs folder, and that's a good place to check fairly often. It bothers me that I get so many calls about people forgetting their passwords.
I totally freaking messed up my Dante quiz on Monday because I didn't study as well for it Sunday evening.
I thought I did really well on my Organic exam. In real life, I got an 84. Most of those points came from the Part II short answer questions, because I only missed one of out 40 there. All the points were taken from the multiple choice questions because I can't remember things.
I freaking failed my stupid Calculus exam with a 2.4/4.0. And he wants us to correct it for a quiz grade.
I feel lonely all the freaking time.
I feel like I have no time to do anything, but I still say "Let's go to Wegmans for two hours," because it's way more enjoyable than homework.
My dad is being a total jerk about my brother's grades.
I had a really terrible dream about my brother. One of the ones that make me cry and feel lonely when I wake up.
I hate stupid lab, even though that's probably the class I'm doing the best in.
I can't pay attention in philosophy, even when I don't screw around with my iPod the whole time, because then I just start doodling all over the place.
I'm uncomfortable all the time. My skin is dry, my muscles hurt, and every single position that I sit, lay or stand in is uncomfortable.
I have terrible self-esteem issues.
I feel like a failure and a disappointment to everyone, including myself.
I'm having panic attacks... pretty much every day. At least one, sometimes more. Same thing goes for crying.
My legs feel weak when I'm walking. Which means I'm insane, I'm sick, or there's so much crap in my blood vessels that I'm barely circulating blood anymore.
Good things in the past week:
Saw Bill on both Saturday and Sunday, both under unusual but pleasant circumstances.
Erin is having her baby next month.
I keep getting distracted from my homework. I'm starting to do things at the last minute again. I'm getting frustrated with customers who call and say "I just unzipped this file that has a program in it, but I can't find it," and I have to remind them that it's probably in the programs folder, and that's a good place to check fairly often. It bothers me that I get so many calls about people forgetting their passwords.
I totally freaking messed up my Dante quiz on Monday because I didn't study as well for it Sunday evening.
I thought I did really well on my Organic exam. In real life, I got an 84. Most of those points came from the Part II short answer questions, because I only missed one of out 40 there. All the points were taken from the multiple choice questions because I can't remember things.
I freaking failed my stupid Calculus exam with a 2.4/4.0. And he wants us to correct it for a quiz grade.
I feel lonely all the freaking time.
I feel like I have no time to do anything, but I still say "Let's go to Wegmans for two hours," because it's way more enjoyable than homework.
My dad is being a total jerk about my brother's grades.
I had a really terrible dream about my brother. One of the ones that make me cry and feel lonely when I wake up.
I hate stupid lab, even though that's probably the class I'm doing the best in.
I can't pay attention in philosophy, even when I don't screw around with my iPod the whole time, because then I just start doodling all over the place.
I'm uncomfortable all the time. My skin is dry, my muscles hurt, and every single position that I sit, lay or stand in is uncomfortable.
I have terrible self-esteem issues.
I feel like a failure and a disappointment to everyone, including myself.
I'm having panic attacks... pretty much every day. At least one, sometimes more. Same thing goes for crying.
My legs feel weak when I'm walking. Which means I'm insane, I'm sick, or there's so much crap in my blood vessels that I'm barely circulating blood anymore.
Good things in the past week:
Saw Bill on both Saturday and Sunday, both under unusual but pleasant circumstances.
Erin is having her baby next month.
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