One of the questions my doctor always asks me when I visit him

Is if I've experienced any heart palpitations. I've always thought I knew what that meant, and I always told him "no." Now that I've finally taken the time to look it up, the answer is yes. And lately, very often.
Go figure.

Grad School Decisions are coming in.

And I've gotten two so far. Lehigh in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and University of Rochester in um... Rochester. Lehigh has already told me they're ready to pay me $24000 a year to TA with them for the first year. It's a lot of money. $2000 a month, precisely. I never dreamed of making that much money a month in my life. It's great. I'm not committing to anything yet, by any means. I just think it's nice to have the future look so good already. As it stands right now, I'm very low on money, and I have to buy an oil change for my car, pay off my vet bill, pay off the debt to my mom, save for my Japan trip, buy a passport for said trip, and keep up moneys for grosseries and rattie stuff. It's hard. I'm getting through it, very well, I think. It feels like things are really looking up for me, and that's really wonderful. I wake up nearly every day wondering what's next to learn and explore. The other days, I wake up with headaches. I still have my moments. I'm still antisocial. I still scowl when I'm told to work in groups and say nearly nothing. But I think I'm getting better, a little bit. I'm still sick, I imagine. I may never be fully better. But mostly better is better than nothing.
I'm hoping I get into either U-Wisconsin-Madison or Pitt. Or both? They're such good schools for chemistry. It makes me think "If I get into those schools, I could do amazing things." Right now, in research, I already am. I didn't realize it until, last semester, I read my final paper out to my dad (since I finished it at his house), and he gaped at me. I knew he didn't understand the jargon, but he understood that I had actually done something. Something he couldn't wrap his head around all the way. Something that could change things. He said "Pichi, when did you get to be so awesome?" I didn't know what to say. Part of me said "I don't know." Part of me wanted to joke: "I've been awesome!" Part of me wanted to say "I'm not awesome. There's research going on that I have no ability to understand, stuff that's beyond me, stuff that I really want to do someday!" Still, it made me smile. I don't think my dad has ever called me "awesome."
Possum has another tumour. It's growing under her right front paw (that's from tickling perspective). I know she's too old to make it through another surgery. I know that they would probably have to take the arm anyway, and she wouldn't be able to hold food, and therefore eat well. I also know that she and Cinder and nearly 2 years old. It's not cancer -- it's squishy, indicating another mammary tumour. But it might ulcerate and get infected. There's no way to know. I'm going to just keep going with life as normal. She deserves to stay happy. She's a wonderful, loving rat. I can't do the surgery. Not just because I can't afford it (I still owe $565 from the previous one). Like I said, she won't survive. I can't let her die under anesthetic, not being with mommy, being unaware of how much I love her, being unable to let me hold her until the end. It would be fair to her.
On the contrary, Cinder is insanely healthy for her age. Never a tumour or sickness or anything. Still scared of everything. Even mommy sometimes. Maybe she'll outlast me. Wouldn't that be something?
Bielle, my albino baby cutie, is growing so fast. She started out smaller than the palm of my hand when I got her, at four weeks old. Now, at about three months, she's huge. Longer than my whole hand. She's so funny. She runs and fights hands and cleans a lot. She did have a respiratory infection a week before I adopted her, though. It scarred her system, and now she has these sneezing fits. There's nothing that can be done about them, I think. She's still very healthy, though. She eats a lot and plays and everything else. The big kids don't like her at all. Possum tried to murder her once, so Bielle has to stay in a cage by herself. It's kind of smallish, big enough for her for now, but once I move out of here for good, I'll switch the cages. I got a big, two-floored one from Jamie. Bielle is also going to need a cagemate. Right now, she's super-mommy bonded: she doesn't like to sit with other people much, except my brother. So she needs a friend. I'll find one for her when I switch the cages.
I think there's something wrong with my stomach again. Eating food is starting to make me feel sick, nearly every time. It's not good. That's happened before, and I got really really sick. I hope it doesn't happen again.
I have nothing more to say. So here's some photos:

I went to a show in Albany on January 29. Foxy Shazam, Circa Survive, and Anberlin played. Here I am with the bassist and Keyboardist from Foxy Shazam. This is the only photo I have from the show.

Meet Bielle, my three month old albino cutie. She likes to sleep on the water bottle in the cage. She does fall off sometimes.

Bielle likes to run around the bed like a mad person. She pops in and out of things, fights you, licks your boo-boos away and runs away again. This is the best description I have for the kind of movement she does.

The only reason they stayed still long enough for this is because it was dried papaya treat time.

I need a paramedic

You're no good at what said you'd do to me

I have a paper due tomorrow that I'm currently not writing. Some call it senioritis. I call it me being inherently lazy. It's all laid out anyway. It's only going to take an hour or so to write, and I don't plan on much sleep anyway.
The semester is over. Tomorrow (or today, if you care that it's four in the morning and iCal says it's officially the tenth), is the last day of classes, and I only have two of them. It's the last day of Biochem, and I couldn't be happier. That class has really torn me up. For the third exam, though, I studied a different way, and I got a ninety one. I was so happy, so proud of myself. I can do okay in that class, it just took me forever to figure out how.
The paper I have due tomorrow is for English. I like the professor a lot. He's so relaxed, and he's funny, so it makes the class interesting. When you take a survey English course, where you cover dozens of works over a semester and have to keep a fast pace, you run the risk of things running dry, but he's kept the class flowing. I'm taking another class with him next semester, and I'm pretty excited about it. In my paper, I'm talking about different forms of justice, using two poems to demonstrate it.
Possum is all healed up. A few days ago, her sutures closed up all the way, and everything scabbed over. The scabs fell off as she walked around, and I had to help a few off, because they were hanging and I worried they would catch on something and tear. They've finally all come off, and I've taken the cone off and she's happily moved back in with her sister. I have to keep an eye on the scar tissue for a few days, to be sure they don't irritate it too much, in which case they would need to be separated, the cone put on, and antibiotic cream applied, but everything is going well. Possum moved back in like she had never left, and she kind of never did. Even when she still had the cone on, she walked into the big cage when she was out with Cinder, and tried to live in it. It was so funny watching her trying to get into the ball they sleep in with that thing around her neck.
Wednesday was Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day. My suitemates (that is, Shana, Christine, Mer and myself, because Sarah and Katherine don't like us that much...or at least don't share our ideas of fun) got all dressed up and came up with a huge storyline that could link our parts together. I borrowed a black tube top dress with petticoats from Shana and wore heels. I even dyed my hair black for the part. (plus the blue was fading) My part was that of a Duchess, and Christine was my peasant servant. Shana was a vampire huntress from 5019 (or something) and Mer was the vampire. The story was that Shana was chasing Mer over the timelines to hunt her down and kill her, and Christine and I got caught in the fray and ended up with in the present day. We went to all of our classes in costume and played our parts. In the afternoon, we all went out to the quad. Christine and I had the "timepiece" that allowed time travel, and were trying to figure out how to work it. Shana and Mer came to take it from us, fought, and I was finally stolen by Shana because I had the timepiece. She picked me up, threw me over her shoulder, and ran back into the building with me. Except at one point, she kind of had to drag me along because the ground was too slippy to carry me. It was so much fun, and I wish that we could do those things more often. It's a shame it's too cold to dress up like that often. I had to use a pretty heavy coat to class and leggings to keep warm enough. I have photos of the dress, but I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. I will over the weekend.
I'm going back to my dad's next week, on Friday. I asked my dad if he knew anyone who needed some part time help over the break. His response was "Why? You need money?" Of course I do. I owe seven hundred dollars to Care Credit for Possum's vet bill. The company sent me a statement saying "Give us $23 by the end-ish of December." I gave them fifty on my last paycheck. I'm getting paid again today. With a 25-or-something% interest on the ORIGINAL bill after the six-month leeway period, I'm not wasting time to pay it back. Anyway, my dad apparently got me a job with Otto over the break. I'm supposed to call him tomorrow. I'm not going to have fun working there again, but I really need the money. I kind of feel like I'm selling out. Maybe I am. I remind myself that soon, I'm going to be working at the job I love. I remind myself that, in a month, I'll go back to tutoring Chemistry, my favourite job so far. I've realized that I have to teach. It's in my blood. Or something else that's kind of corny.
Today in lab, we did something fun. We coated glass Christmas ornaments with Silver. On the inside. Apparently, this is something that every chemistry class in high school does, because all of my friends and even my brother remember this. My chemistry class did not. Wtf, Jenny Jeffrey? Anyway, it was so much fun. We mixed Silver Chloride, ammonia, potassium hydroxide and glucose in the bulb, corked it, and rotated the bulb as the reaction took place, which eventually resulted in an even coating. We get to take them home, and Professor Leo says we should give them to our parents as presents. This poses a problem for me. Since my parents live apart, that would mean giving both of them away, but I'm super proud of my work, and I want to have one for my own christmas tree. I'll probably give them away either way. It was still super cool.
Goodnight.

My healthy Possum. She wasn't very cooperative for photos today.

Cinder! She decided to clean me for the first photo.

Cinder again. It had the potential to be an amazing photo, except she moved at the last second.

Just another day. Not.

Meet Dr. Destruction. He and I are great friends.

With love, Arsenic.

It's snowing outside. A lot. I was outside earlier, taking it in. It's really winter in Syracuse now.

Life seems really busy, but maybe it isn't really. I know there are things that are keeping my mind occupied.

Possum had surgery for her mammary tumor two days before Thanksgiving. It was the day I was leaving for home. I knew that either, she would make it through the surgery and I would go home happy, or I she wouldn't, and I'd go home depressed. She made it through just fine. I was so nervous for her the whole day. When I dropped her off at seven thirty in the morning, I wanted to hug her and wish her luck, but the animal care person came and whisked her away before I could. I remember thinking, "Wait. I didn't even get to say 'goodbye.'" I cried the whole way home. And then I had to make it through an exam and another class. It was lucky of me to have so many great friends here. They helped me pack and clean up so I could prepare to go home. I kept thinking "what am I going to do if Possum doesn't make it? What am I going to do about Cinder? Will she hate me?" Every time the phone vibrated, or made any noise at all, I jumped. I watched television waiting for the call, and it never came. I drummed the remote to keep my hands busy. Finally, my brother and I got into the car, and I still had no word from the vet. I couldn't wait anymore. I called them. I was prepared to hear "Sorry, she didn't make it." But they said she was recovering, and she did great in surgery. I was so relieved that I cried. hard.

When we picked her up, she was tired, depressed, and had a cone on her head. Her suture spanned her whole belly, and it was terrifying to look at. She wouldn't really eat for the first day and a half besides snacks. She wouldn't take her pain meds. I had to coat Cheerio's with it so that she would actually take it.

Then she got a rash on her neck from the collar. I called a late night hotline for advice. They said I could pad it, so I did, with felt. I was too busy the next day, so a friend took her to the vet for me to have it looked at. They gave her an antibiotic cream to help it heal, and a bigger collar that doesn't rest so tightly on her neck. The rash has healed.

She's almost done healing entirely. There are places along her sutures that are entirely closed. In a few days, she can have the collar off for good, and she can go back to living with her sister. I can't wait for that day. They're so lonely, even with the cages as close to each other as I can get them.

I should talk about Halloween.

I went to two parties for Halloween, and I dressed as Al Capone. For one party, I went down to my friend Casey's apartment in the Heights and we ate candy and snacks and drank and had a lot of fun. The other party, a bunch of us went to Shana's house, where we hung out in the graveyard and ate pizza and painted pumpkins. The second part of that party brought us down to the basement with a Stegosaurus pinata (the stegocandysaurus) that we named Mordor. It was so much fun -- a lot more fun than the Halloween Dance that was advertised around campus, I'm sure.

During Research, Mullins gave us a whole jar of brand new Capillary Tubes. They are used for spotting salt and TLC plates.

Close up.

Possum with her E-collar on. She's kind of mad at me for it.

This is the best I could get of her belly. She won't stay still for a photo of her sutures.

Ari Capone.

This is a chamber below a building in Watkins Glen. We were daring each other to go inside, and took flash photos to see if there were any serial killers inside.

This is Shana's dog, Killian (the spelling may be off). He's an Irish Wolfhound who loves snuggles and running like a crazy guy. And he really is taller than the washer behind him.

Everyone who went out to Shana's house. From left: Jessica Bresidola, Meranda Beauvais, myself, Anthony Hinkelman, Shana Phelps.

This is our Stegocandysaurus, Mordor.

Pumpkins with Mordor! Made from left to right, respectively, by: Anthony, Jess, Shana, myself, Meranda.

This is a view of Watkins Glen from a building located near the very top of a cemetery.

It's Pinata Time! We did NOT simply break into Mordor!

We were using a Swiffer handle to break Mordor, but it wasn't working, and we in fact broke the handle. So we had to punch our way into Mordor.

Dinosaur.rar

A lot of things have happened, I guess. I don't remember all of them.

I went to my dad's house last weekend for October break. I love going there in October, because it's always so beautiful. I miss the autumn when I'm here, because it passes by so quickly and it seems like it's snowing before I can even blink my eyes. Back in Philmont, I was able to take a day to walk around town and take in the air and the smell and the sights of autumn. It was wonderful. The kind of thing I hope to never entirely lose in life. The kind of thing that can always make me happy. No matter what.
Over the break, I met with my mom for coffee, and she told me that I've lost a lot of weight. I didn't really believe her, until my dad hugged me, and told me I felt so much smaller to him. I don't see it, but then again, I see myself every day. Gradual changes are hard to notice.
Over the break, I had to bring my dad's girlfriend to Hudson for a job interview. On the way back she asked me: "Andrea, are you having dinner at my house?" MY HOUSE. I shuddered. I threw her out of the car. I pulled over and screamed in her face, told her that it will never be her house, no matter how hard she wished it was, that it was my dad's house, and yes, even MY house, and not hers never ever ever hers. That was what happened in my head. My real response was "no."
I wanted to bring my flute back here. Or one of my clarinets. Playing music always keeps me calm. I forgot them.
Today, I got my biochem exam back, finally. It took almost three weeks. Turns out I failed it. 61 points. I wanted to puke. I can't recall ever failing an exam. I felt like I failed the whole class. That everything I worked for my whole life was garbage, and there was no way any grad school would ever except me with a failing grade. I swallowed it all up and went to my next class. I don't really get upset anymore. Or, I try not to. It's going well.
I talked to the professor. We went over the exam. Figured out where and why I screwed up. I asked if there's anyway I can still do well in the class. She smiled warmly at me and said "Absolutely." I hope so. The first thoughts that ran into my head afterward were that I should never take breaks again. Sleep very little. Study all the time. Know every little thing inside and out. I knew it was unreasonable. That's how my brain works. I think that I know something, and when I realize I don't, I think of ways to know every tiny aspect of it, because I feel like a disappointment to myself that I couldn't prove my knowledge. My brain probably doesn't work in the way it's supposed to most of the time.
I've gotten a cold, somewhere. It's one of my bad ones. The kind that makes it hard to walk, because my legs are so weak for no reason, and time passes by without notice. The kind that makes it so that I start a song, and it's over before I realize what exactly I'm listening to. This kind of cold makes me feel delirious. My mom thinks I have a flu. I do not have a fever, so bullocks to that, probably.


I like this photo a lot. It was taken on the property of where my mom works.

Just cute things my ratties do. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to catch it on the camera.



These are some chocolates that my mother picked up for me. They where pretty good.

During this break, Dante actually behaved pretty well, so he's my friend for now.