When I was a girl, I used to beg whatever entity controlled the universe for a flying car, because I hated riding the school bus.

I've noticed that my eyes are getting a lot worse. I sit in the third or fourth row in physics, and had a hard time reading the smaller numbers. Even now, with my computer on my lap and the screen just centimetres from my extended hand (with fingers pointed upwards) the words are awfully blurry.

Dolphy Day has happened. That was last Tuesday. I sat around in the quad with some friends and enjoyed the sun, because it was beautiful outside. This week, though, has been cold. It even snowed yesterday.

I'm so much more open lately, and I'm caught between liking it a lot and enjoying myself, and being terrified, because I've never connected with so many people. I'm sure it's a good thing, all in all, but it still feels...new I guess.

Writing this, I'm thinking about dinner tonight, sitting with Leo, Kandace, and a girl whose name I don't know. We were talking about books and movies and plays we liked or thought were awful. It was nice to know I wasn't the only person who really enjoys classics.

Today, I took a nap, because I had to get up at seven-thirty for work, and I was tired. I dreamt about Kyrkos going to dinner in the cafeteria and trying to talk to me. It made me cringe when I woke up. It made me think back to Dolphy Day, when Kyrkos found Kevin and I waiting in line for ice cream. He had said, "Hey, guys! How's your Dolphy Day going? Enjoying it?" which is friendly enough, and not something to complain about, but he's just creepy, somehow.

I want to go for a long walk, wandering around without any real direction, but I have a lot of work to do at the end of this week. Finals begin on the fifth, and I will have to stay until the eleventh, which is the last day, because my physics exam is at nine that day.

I don't really know what I'm going to do back in Columbia County. It feels like there are no real opportunities there for chemistry, and it's too late by now to apply for anything with a college. I really don't want to work as a waitress again this year, but it looks like I haven't much of a choice. But I don't think I'll work for Otto, if I can help it. He just upsets me a lot. It was really nice that he's given me a job since freshman year, but working for him is stressful in a way that working for another guy, Siba, was not. I plan to take one or two weeks off at the start of summer break though, so I'll have plenty of time to decide.

I've been playing around with taking and editing photos. My explorer book tells me to take photos of the things I encounter during my day that catch my eye. Here are some of those things.

Here's a glass chunk.

A cup lid I found whilst being late to Physics.

An airhorn can that was used on Dolphy Day.

In working with this photo, I've found that I kind of like taking photos where the subject itself is out of focus, and the background is in focus. I like the idea of really looking at the subject through the blurriness to find details.

Here's a white dandelion, with emphasis on the white, but still allowing other colours.

Here is the same dandelion. I played with different colour saturations, and found that when I played with blue and purple tones, they came out on the flower.

Plop Plop Plop Thud

Today, I took a nap, and I had a weird dream.

I lived in a castle, but not a very fancy one. The rooms were like the ones you would see in very ordinary houses, but the walls were fortified, so that I felt very secure. One evening, as I was getting ready to take a shower, I heard a boom, and then, the castle shook.

A cannon was being fired at the walls.

They very quickly began to crumble.

My father and my brother came into the room, and we decided to run. My father said he knew a restaurant where we would be safe. When I asked him why someone was firing a cannon at us, he said he had no idea.

So my brother picked up Dante, and I picked up my rats, and we started running. Somewhere, whilst on a stone path surround by walls, a blast hit my brother's leg, and he had to stop. Another shell fired towards him, but Dante jumped in the way of it, and he just disappeared. I remember looking around at the place where he was, or would have been, and then just everywhere, for some evidence that he had existed, and there wasn't anything.

Next thing I knew, I was being asked to win a race, and when I did not, I was chastised, and told that if I couldn't win one that simple, I would never amount to anything.

Finally, I found myself in a bookstore, like Barnes and Noble, but it was very dark and claustrophobic. There was a room that had even less lighting, with what appeared to be toys and very comfortable seating, but a door chain kept me from opening it. When I tried to break it, something warned me not to. I don't know where it came from.

There were authorities there, that make me think of the police in those cartoons where the characters go to alternate representations of their world. The kind that penalize you for really stupid things that no one really cares about. Here, the authorities yelled at me and the person I was with for wandering into the corners, for putting a book back in the wrong place, and something else. He gave us a ticket, and told us we were a shame to our families. He looked at me whilst he said it.

Then I woke up.

As David Lloyd, my creative writing professor, would say, there's a story in that, somewhere.

Like glass shards on the floor

and I just want someone to smile at me and tell me that really, I haven't done anything wrong.

But I also don't want to smile.

This office is clothes.

I don't know what I want to do

I know what I should be doing, and that's studying for the physics exam on Monday. Thanks Kyrkos for the well wishes of a good weekend with the background hint of "Have fun studying the whole time!" Kind of a dick move.

This whole week has been lonely. I just want some hugs, please.

Last weekend, I went to a party at Raven's. For those who don't know, Raven is a flamboyant, wonderfully fun gay man, who let me keep my rats at his house for the first semester of the year. When we went, he was dressed like a girl. And so was I. He had some really, unexpectedly good white wine that I drank quite a bit of. I'm not a wine person, but that night, I kind of was. I also made friends with his neighbour, a woman who owns pittbulls and an akita. At the time, I didn't remember her name. Now I do. It's Tiffany.

Today, I woke up at two thirty. I was sore, from being in bed too late, and so I let my rats out and played video games. That was my mode of waking up.

Last week as well, I walked around town with Jim. I could have done it alone, and almost did, but I wanted company that day. We just talked and hung out, enjoying the warm weather (which has since turned back into winter, here). We had dinner at a restaurant since we were out too late to eat on campus, and the place was called Nothing But Noodles. This may have become my favourite place to eat in Syracuse. They are an international chain, but only have nine establishments so far. The one here in town is the only one in New York. Everything was really delicious. I had a spicy chicken food, and it was genuinely spicy, and hard to finish! And their cake and coffee was good, too.

The set up of the place is really nice, too. You go in, order your food, and they give you a card. Then you take the card to your table, and put it in a holder. When your food is ready, they bring it to your table by telling which card is there. Everything is really comfortable and delicious.

I'm going there tonight with a bunch of friends, and I can't wait.

Housing lottery is on Monday. I'm hoping to get into the View, which is a building with apartments inside. I really want to get there. I want to have a kitchen to cook in so badly. Baking whenever I wanted would also be a great time. Speaking of which, I which I had stuff to make banana nut muffins. And also an oven.

I could use the one in St. Mary's, but it threatens to set on fire all the time, and that's a little too much stress.

I've realized that every time I want to go running, I really have to go to class or work very soon. When I'm free, I don't want to do anything except watch movies.

During spring break, my dad gave me a glass skull full of vodka. It's pretty exciting, and it's good vodka. It was an early birthday present.

This is what I looked like for the party:

Here's my skull vodka, with a nice scenic background. It was the best photo I could find.

Quantum is a Goomba, and I'm Mario, if you get what I mean

I got a 91 on my first p-chem exam, and that makes me happy.

Conversely, I got a C+ on my paper for American Lit, and that's a bit disappointing, but we are allowed to revise, so I'm going to do that.

I took imitrex about an hour ago for my headache, and I feel high.

I miss everyone.

I have no homework tonight, so I'm going to eat food and watch movies, and this is exciting.

I don't have things to say today! Here's some photos of the outfit I constructed today. Top only, because the bottom is just black pants, which is almost always true.

My Nail Polish is Chipping

And I might be, too --- but only today.

It's one of those days where mundane things like taking a shower are infuriating.

It's also a day for extra spaces. An extra breath to stop and survey things. The

things are filled with exam words. I'm trying to remember all of them. Today, I could not

remember what focalization is. Tomorrow, I am hoping to remember everything needed. Except

maybe Huck Finn. Which I hate, and I cannot say that enough.

Today, Possum came out of the cage and sat on my chest and cuddled with me as I scratched

her behind the ears. Conversely, Cinder ran at least four marathons on my bed.

The Quantum Mechanics of Life

It is the name of a story I am currently writing.

Of course, this is an ironic name, in the context of my life (in particular), because I effing hate quantum mechanics.

In fact, I'm struggling to do the assignment due tomorrow, and it's not going so well. Eff nodes, and finding them with physics. Can't I just look at a graph and say, "See where this thing hits zero? That's a friggin node." Or, as Mullins used to say, "No nodes is good news." I understand that now. It's good news, because you don't have to go through the algebra with the wavefunction to find them.

Bill told me no one understands quantum mechanics, and sent me quotes from major scientists in the field, talking about how much they hate it. They were cute quotes, but they won't help me to pass the class.

Who the eff wants to play around with triple integrals, anyway? Frig.

I've been sick. Pretty bad. Writhing, get dizzy, the world going too fast, or I was going to slow. I'm feeling better, but still using a lot of tissues.

As a consequence of this sick, I have not felt pretty.

A few days ago, my rats graduated from chewing the blanket and other cloth stuff I leave laying on my bed (usually without thinking about the potential consequences), to chewing through the clothes I am currently wearing. Possum apparently thought my jammie shirt was not allowing my back to breathe, or something.

The bedding I buy for them is exceptionally fluffy this time around. Possum and Cinder have gotten into the habit of pushing it all out of the house into a mountain, pooping on it, and then falling asleep on top of it.

My not-quite-during-the-spring Spring Break is set to begin this Friday. I have a p-chem exam on the first part of quantum mechanics that day. I am looking forward to Spring Break.

I am going to take my mother out to dinner over the break, to celebrate her birthday, which was a few days ago. I look forward to eating delicious things and spending some time with her.

Thursday, we got a blizzard. Not quite, but close enough. Classes taking place after one were cancelled. The next day, they were cancelled until ten in the morning. On Friday, I tried to dig out my car so that I could go to the mall. I dug for forty-five minutes. It did not work.

Saturday, I tried again. I asked some people playing in the snow if I could use their shovel, and they let me. I dug and scraped, and tried again, and it didn't work. Two guys from the group offered to help push me out, and when I was out, I thanked them profusely. I was sick of being stuck at school.

Today, I have a To-Do list that is specifically tasks for today, and it is thirteen items long. I have gotten through nine, and am stuck on the p-chem assignment. I needed a break before I punched out the drunk kids across the hall.

I have three exams this week: one in Psychology and Literature, which is to span over Wednesday and Friday, one in American Literature (which is from the Civil War onward), on Thursday, and the P-Chem on Friday. I hope I can do well on all three.

I am considering borrowing my brother's shirt, which has a cactus on it. It says, "Free Hugs!" I kind of need one or two.