I'm having a lot of trouble lately.
I keep getting distracted from my homework. I'm starting to do things at the last minute again. I'm getting frustrated with customers who call and say "I just unzipped this file that has a program in it, but I can't find it," and I have to remind them that it's probably in the programs folder, and that's a good place to check fairly often. It bothers me that I get so many calls about people forgetting their passwords.
I totally freaking messed up my Dante quiz on Monday because I didn't study as well for it Sunday evening.
I thought I did really well on my Organic exam. In real life, I got an 84. Most of those points came from the Part II short answer questions, because I only missed one of out 40 there. All the points were taken from the multiple choice questions because I can't remember things.
I freaking failed my stupid Calculus exam with a 2.4/4.0. And he wants us to correct it for a quiz grade.
I feel lonely all the freaking time.
I feel like I have no time to do anything, but I still say "Let's go to Wegmans for two hours," because it's way more enjoyable than homework.
My dad is being a total jerk about my brother's grades.
I had a really terrible dream about my brother. One of the ones that make me cry and feel lonely when I wake up.
I hate stupid lab, even though that's probably the class I'm doing the best in.
I can't pay attention in philosophy, even when I don't screw around with my iPod the whole time, because then I just start doodling all over the place.
I'm uncomfortable all the time. My skin is dry, my muscles hurt, and every single position that I sit, lay or stand in is uncomfortable.
I have terrible self-esteem issues.
I feel like a failure and a disappointment to everyone, including myself.
I'm having panic attacks... pretty much every day. At least one, sometimes more. Same thing goes for crying.
My legs feel weak when I'm walking. Which means I'm insane, I'm sick, or there's so much crap in my blood vessels that I'm barely circulating blood anymore.
Good things in the past week:
Saw Bill on both Saturday and Sunday, both under unusual but pleasant circumstances.
Erin is having her baby next month.
24 March 2009
22 March 2009
15 March 2009
More steric hindrance than your tetramethyl compound has room for!
Well, spring break has come and gone, and I feel like I should have a lot to say, but I guess I don't really. I'll try to think of things as I go along.
Both stars on my earrings broke. I guess I'm never buying earrings from Hot Topic again.
I went to Saugerties with my mom and bought her lunch. I promised her I would for her birthday. She then decided it was my birthday, and gave me earrings.
I made cookies and corn muffins.
I might have done pretty well on my organic exam.
Friendly's tonight.
I am really excited to play Guitar Hero in the Mary's basement tonight.
I don't feel like doing work at all.
I made brontosaurus and mario star mini toys. It was a lot of sewing, but it was fun.
Sometimes just before the break, Stephanie decided she wanted to talk to me again. She seems to be doing well, and there's no way I was just going to say "no" and abandon her. I can't abandon anyone again. It was nice to talk to her and see her again. Even if I was mad at her, I'm still her friend, and I'll still be there for her if she needs me to be. She seemed really happy, and that's the only thing I could have wished for.
Watched The Last House On The Left with my brother, chibi and Steph. It was pretty good. Well shot, and pretty well written, so I was satisfied.
I ate a lot of vegetables over break. My dad got mushrooms, broccoli, zucchini and green beans, and I sauteed them. It was lots of delicious.
I got to see Bill yesterday, and that was really nice. We ended up sleeping in my bed trying to decide if we should get coffee and ice cream for the movie. It was kind of a difficult process.
Went to Emily and Renee's house and did homework and hung out. Had some of Catherine's yummy homemade wheat bread.
Went bowling with my brother and beat him in two games.
I'm excited for the sleepover I'm having with Lisa tonight!
That's all that I can think of I guess.
Both stars on my earrings broke. I guess I'm never buying earrings from Hot Topic again.
I went to Saugerties with my mom and bought her lunch. I promised her I would for her birthday. She then decided it was my birthday, and gave me earrings.
I made cookies and corn muffins.
I might have done pretty well on my organic exam.
Friendly's tonight.
I am really excited to play Guitar Hero in the Mary's basement tonight.
I don't feel like doing work at all.
I made brontosaurus and mario star mini toys. It was a lot of sewing, but it was fun.
Sometimes just before the break, Stephanie decided she wanted to talk to me again. She seems to be doing well, and there's no way I was just going to say "no" and abandon her. I can't abandon anyone again. It was nice to talk to her and see her again. Even if I was mad at her, I'm still her friend, and I'll still be there for her if she needs me to be. She seemed really happy, and that's the only thing I could have wished for.
Watched The Last House On The Left with my brother, chibi and Steph. It was pretty good. Well shot, and pretty well written, so I was satisfied.
I ate a lot of vegetables over break. My dad got mushrooms, broccoli, zucchini and green beans, and I sauteed them. It was lots of delicious.
I got to see Bill yesterday, and that was really nice. We ended up sleeping in my bed trying to decide if we should get coffee and ice cream for the movie. It was kind of a difficult process.
Went to Emily and Renee's house and did homework and hung out. Had some of Catherine's yummy homemade wheat bread.
Went bowling with my brother and beat him in two games.
I'm excited for the sleepover I'm having with Lisa tonight!
That's all that I can think of I guess.
02 March 2009
21 February 2009
Today, I delve into Philosophical reasoning. Stay tuned for more!
I've been thinking about this for a while, and I supposed that at first mention, the topic is going to sound kind of stupid. It is simply this: Cliches.
I started thinking about this when we had to rewrite common cliches as something more descriptive, something better, for Creative Writing class. I remember that, when we got the assignment, I thought, "Why? What's the point?"
Obviously, the point was to develop a level of descriptive writing that enabled us to go beyond the cliches in daily life, in order to make our writing more interesting. But then something weird happened.
As I was working on the assignment, I found it pretty difficult to rewrite some of them. Surely, I could use synonyms and expand it into a longer, more flowery sentence, but it felt wrong. Like it never quite said what the cliche itself did. And I think that this was a larger point of the assignment: Can you write in such a way that cliches not only become irrelevant, but your work sounds better than them? For some of these, the answer was no. It was too hard. The cliches sounded way more natural.
And therein lies the problem. We, as a society, have become reliant on cliches. "Love at first sight" and "dead as a doornail" and the like are things that we have assimilated into our minds to mean and express certain things. Surely, these phrases had some real, genuine meaning and feeling to them, but now, the are overused, in effect, something we use, being jaded to romantic and descriptive language, since we're told as children to use more detail when we write. Those who hate it recoil to cliches, and those who don't can work past them.
But think about it. "Love at first sight" is a nice thing, and surely something that everyone wants. We can all imagine the feeling we would get if this happened to us, this wonderful, fluttery emotion that swells our hearts, and makes us feel things we have never truly felt before. But the cliche is easier to say. It takes less work. It gives us a general feeling that we can adapt to ourselves in the way we see fit.
I guess my main concern [and maybe I'm just insane and need to go back to bed], is that language is becoming disingenuous. That is, the things that make language beautiful, description, and wonderful words and the like, are being pushed aside in favour of more generalized phrases. For cliches. For example, to say "I hate this weather" is general. Sure, it is an accurate and valid way to describe your feelings, but how much do you hate the weather? Why? What is so horrible about it? Perhaps I am looking at this from the point of a view of a writer a little too much, but who uses the word abhor anymore? If you say it out loud, it's rough, kind of hard to pronounce because "b" and "h" aren't usually together. And it is in fact a synonym for "hate." So why does no one use this word? Hate is so general, when someone tells us "I hate this weather," we can use our imagination to decide how much that person hates the weather. But using a word that sounds harder, it is easier to discern just how much the person dislikes the weather.
Of course, tone and inflection are important in speech, but I'm looking at this from simply a word-by-word standpoint right now.
Now, I am not trying to say that I myself am not guilty of using cliches and generalized terms to get my point across. We all do and we always will. Just sometimes, when I talk to people in a class, I find that the conversation is something that is so common and unfeeling that I would rather talk to my dog, and all he does is bite my body. Just a concern of mine. I'm sure I'm insane or something.
When looking for this, I also found out there was a band named Abhor, and some porn, of course.
Whilst writing this, I discovered that "ingenuine" is in fact not a word. "Disingenuous" is the correct word when trying to describe the opposite of "genuine."
I started thinking about this when we had to rewrite common cliches as something more descriptive, something better, for Creative Writing class. I remember that, when we got the assignment, I thought, "Why? What's the point?"
Obviously, the point was to develop a level of descriptive writing that enabled us to go beyond the cliches in daily life, in order to make our writing more interesting. But then something weird happened.
As I was working on the assignment, I found it pretty difficult to rewrite some of them. Surely, I could use synonyms and expand it into a longer, more flowery sentence, but it felt wrong. Like it never quite said what the cliche itself did. And I think that this was a larger point of the assignment: Can you write in such a way that cliches not only become irrelevant, but your work sounds better than them? For some of these, the answer was no. It was too hard. The cliches sounded way more natural.
And therein lies the problem. We, as a society, have become reliant on cliches. "Love at first sight" and "dead as a doornail" and the like are things that we have assimilated into our minds to mean and express certain things. Surely, these phrases had some real, genuine meaning and feeling to them, but now, the are overused, in effect, something we use, being jaded to romantic and descriptive language, since we're told as children to use more detail when we write. Those who hate it recoil to cliches, and those who don't can work past them.
But think about it. "Love at first sight" is a nice thing, and surely something that everyone wants. We can all imagine the feeling we would get if this happened to us, this wonderful, fluttery emotion that swells our hearts, and makes us feel things we have never truly felt before. But the cliche is easier to say. It takes less work. It gives us a general feeling that we can adapt to ourselves in the way we see fit.
I guess my main concern [and maybe I'm just insane and need to go back to bed], is that language is becoming disingenuous. That is, the things that make language beautiful, description, and wonderful words and the like, are being pushed aside in favour of more generalized phrases. For cliches. For example, to say "I hate this weather" is general. Sure, it is an accurate and valid way to describe your feelings, but how much do you hate the weather? Why? What is so horrible about it? Perhaps I am looking at this from the point of a view of a writer a little too much, but who uses the word abhor anymore? If you say it out loud, it's rough, kind of hard to pronounce because "b" and "h" aren't usually together. And it is in fact a synonym for "hate." So why does no one use this word? Hate is so general, when someone tells us "I hate this weather," we can use our imagination to decide how much that person hates the weather. But using a word that sounds harder, it is easier to discern just how much the person dislikes the weather.
Of course, tone and inflection are important in speech, but I'm looking at this from simply a word-by-word standpoint right now.
Now, I am not trying to say that I myself am not guilty of using cliches and generalized terms to get my point across. We all do and we always will. Just sometimes, when I talk to people in a class, I find that the conversation is something that is so common and unfeeling that I would rather talk to my dog, and all he does is bite my body. Just a concern of mine. I'm sure I'm insane or something.
When looking for this, I also found out there was a band named Abhor, and some porn, of course.
Whilst writing this, I discovered that "ingenuine" is in fact not a word. "Disingenuous" is the correct word when trying to describe the opposite of "genuine."
18 February 2009
I wrote this in the shower, actually.
This engine,
Once so strong it
carried me across great distances,
has failed,
And I sit adrift at sea,
in a tiny boat.
I've been here for days.
I huddle in the counterfeited warmth
Of blankets insufficient for multiple
Frigid Nights
On the sea.
I've nearly run out of all the things
that are supposed to keep me
Alive.
A cruise ship passed yesterday.
I called to it, to someone, anyone,
to help me,
Save me,
but no one heard.
Everyone was too busy dancing
in the ballroom,
Spending time with families,
Brothers, Sisters, Lovers.
And now, today, a small boat,
adorned like mine, drifted by.
Two people, a man and a woman,
Greeted me. I tried to gesture to them my need for help,
but my voice was gone from shouting at the cruise ship.
They gleefully waved back at me, in each other's arms,
and disappeared.
And I, who have been carried away
on a current I cannot control;
I, who have been separated, thrown aside
by these strange waters…
I have no choice, but to lay under these
blankets, as inadequate as my broken engine,
and wait until the morning never comes again.
Once so strong it
carried me across great distances,
has failed,
And I sit adrift at sea,
in a tiny boat.
I've been here for days.
I huddle in the counterfeited warmth
Of blankets insufficient for multiple
Frigid Nights
On the sea.
I've nearly run out of all the things
that are supposed to keep me
Alive.
A cruise ship passed yesterday.
I called to it, to someone, anyone,
to help me,
Save me,
but no one heard.
Everyone was too busy dancing
in the ballroom,
Spending time with families,
Brothers, Sisters, Lovers.
And now, today, a small boat,
adorned like mine, drifted by.
Two people, a man and a woman,
Greeted me. I tried to gesture to them my need for help,
but my voice was gone from shouting at the cruise ship.
They gleefully waved back at me, in each other's arms,
and disappeared.
And I, who have been carried away
on a current I cannot control;
I, who have been separated, thrown aside
by these strange waters…
I have no choice, but to lay under these
blankets, as inadequate as my broken engine,
and wait until the morning never comes again.
15 February 2009
There's a package from my mom waiting.
I feel like I haven't said anything useful in a long while. I feel like I don't really have anything to say, except to summarize my life. I guess it's a good start.
This weekend, I went to visit Bill. I really wanted to go [despite my dad saying that we were breaking the rules with this visit because I had just made one, but what does he know?], and I could not have been happier that I made the choice to do so.
Friday was spent driving and spending time with both Bill and Lisa, so the whole team was together again. [I feel weird saying that, but that's kind of how it feels I guess. Like we're some team of... I don't know. Maybe love. I'm sure the world hasn't seen a love like the one shared between the three of us in a long while. But I digress.] We got some food at the P&C, and that felt weird, but I guess that's because most of my shopping is done at the dimly lit Wegman's now.
When we got back, Bill made some food for us: steak, broccoli, mushrooms. It was so delicious! It's the kind of meal that is so good, you wish you could have it every day, but you realize that doing so would ruin it's delicious...ness. I helped a little I guess. I mean... I helped to set things up and whatnot, but I didn't do much. I wish I could. Hopefully, when Bill and I are living together, cooking for meals will be more of a team effort than me just staring dumbly not knowing what to do. It was still really fun though. For some reason, watching Bill cook made me extremely happy and peaceful, and not in the way you hear housewives talk about how they are happy that their husbands can cook because that means they don't have to all the time. It was something different. Something just...wonderful.
Then we had to bring Lisa to her parents' house. I was really really tired, but I drove anyway, and everything went fine. I guess the smarter thing to do would have been to pass the wheel to someone else, but I felt like.. I guess like I would be inadequate if I did that. Like "Sure, I'll drive you to your parents' house, Lisa. By which I mean, do it yourself, with my car," or something. I don't know I guess. Same thing happened today, too...
Saturday, I spent with just Bill. We woke up a bit later than usual, but we didn't have anything all that major to do, so it was okay. We had some more delicious food, and did some homework. We went to Mongolia for dinner. It was really yummy [this weekend's trend was yummy, if you can't tell], and I ate so much!
Then we did some calculus, during which I felt kind of dumb, but that's usually how I feel around calculus, so it's okay I guess.
Earlier in the day, we exchanged Valentine's gifts, and I was really happy! I just love seeing Bill smile, especially when I make something and it doesn't look horrible. I make stuff so people can be happy, because that makes me happy. Bill gave me fountains, and some chocolate, and some crazy lottery love card... things. That's kind of how Mongolia happened. But fountains! I love those, and I've always wanted one, and now I have two! It's very exciting stuff. I ran one for like, an hour in here, earlier.
Today, Lisa came back to Bill's, and we had hot chocolate and talked. And Bill gave Lisa her Valentine's gift, so I went into the bedroom and just slept I guess. It would have been nicer if Yu Hon wasn't writhing in the other bed...
Other than that, I've just been doing homework tonight. I wish I had gotten more done than I actually did, but I can't stay up much longer - I want to have breakfast before Organic tomorrow... It doesn't help much that I'm a slow reader, either. Oh well. I'll just have to work really really hard tomorrow between classes.
Bask in the warmth of happy days,
for when the
Cold winter of
Loneliness stalks behind you,
It will be the only thing that
keeps you from
Freezing.
This weekend, I went to visit Bill. I really wanted to go [despite my dad saying that we were breaking the rules with this visit because I had just made one, but what does he know?], and I could not have been happier that I made the choice to do so.
Friday was spent driving and spending time with both Bill and Lisa, so the whole team was together again. [I feel weird saying that, but that's kind of how it feels I guess. Like we're some team of... I don't know. Maybe love. I'm sure the world hasn't seen a love like the one shared between the three of us in a long while. But I digress.] We got some food at the P&C, and that felt weird, but I guess that's because most of my shopping is done at the dimly lit Wegman's now.
When we got back, Bill made some food for us: steak, broccoli, mushrooms. It was so delicious! It's the kind of meal that is so good, you wish you could have it every day, but you realize that doing so would ruin it's delicious...ness. I helped a little I guess. I mean... I helped to set things up and whatnot, but I didn't do much. I wish I could. Hopefully, when Bill and I are living together, cooking for meals will be more of a team effort than me just staring dumbly not knowing what to do. It was still really fun though. For some reason, watching Bill cook made me extremely happy and peaceful, and not in the way you hear housewives talk about how they are happy that their husbands can cook because that means they don't have to all the time. It was something different. Something just...wonderful.
Then we had to bring Lisa to her parents' house. I was really really tired, but I drove anyway, and everything went fine. I guess the smarter thing to do would have been to pass the wheel to someone else, but I felt like.. I guess like I would be inadequate if I did that. Like "Sure, I'll drive you to your parents' house, Lisa. By which I mean, do it yourself, with my car," or something. I don't know I guess. Same thing happened today, too...
Saturday, I spent with just Bill. We woke up a bit later than usual, but we didn't have anything all that major to do, so it was okay. We had some more delicious food, and did some homework. We went to Mongolia for dinner. It was really yummy [this weekend's trend was yummy, if you can't tell], and I ate so much!
Then we did some calculus, during which I felt kind of dumb, but that's usually how I feel around calculus, so it's okay I guess.
Earlier in the day, we exchanged Valentine's gifts, and I was really happy! I just love seeing Bill smile, especially when I make something and it doesn't look horrible. I make stuff so people can be happy, because that makes me happy. Bill gave me fountains, and some chocolate, and some crazy lottery love card... things. That's kind of how Mongolia happened. But fountains! I love those, and I've always wanted one, and now I have two! It's very exciting stuff. I ran one for like, an hour in here, earlier.
Today, Lisa came back to Bill's, and we had hot chocolate and talked. And Bill gave Lisa her Valentine's gift, so I went into the bedroom and just slept I guess. It would have been nicer if Yu Hon wasn't writhing in the other bed...
Other than that, I've just been doing homework tonight. I wish I had gotten more done than I actually did, but I can't stay up much longer - I want to have breakfast before Organic tomorrow... It doesn't help much that I'm a slow reader, either. Oh well. I'll just have to work really really hard tomorrow between classes.
Bask in the warmth of happy days,
for when the
Cold winter of
Loneliness stalks behind you,
It will be the only thing that
keeps you from
Freezing.
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