21 May 2009

Summering

I'm being lazy. I nearly forgot that I need to get my car inspected this month. I nearly forgot that I need an oil change. I'm doing laundry for the first time since I got back. I don't even care. I want to rest. Tonsilitis isn't as visibly taxing as it actually is. It's worn me out. Sometimes, it feels like walking is a terrible task. I feel heavy, tired. I'm nearly better though. One more day of antibiotics, and then I just have to rest I guess. Dad thinks I'm sleeping too much. My body is telling me I'm sleeping too little. What a cute little conflict.
I've managed to more or less unpack. My room is still a really big mess though. There are a lot of things I need to sort through on my floor. And under my bed. It almost looks like my brother's room.
I seem to have developed some kind of rash on my arms, worse on my left. I thought it was heat rash at first, but it stops where my shirt sleeve was last night, which is where I'd think a heat rash would start, since it's hotter under a shirt than on bare skin. Who freaking knows? I'll see if it goes away in a day or so.
I'm working tomorrow. I knew it was going to happen. I called my boss and was going to tell him that I'm back and wanted to discuss work this summer, but he interrupted me and said he was kind of in a bind, and asked if I could work tomorrow, so I'm doing that after I drop my brother off at his friends' house to go to prom. I hope it won't be crazy busy. I also hope that I can work tables again, and that I can set up a more steady schedule for the summer, rather than having to guess when I work and wait to plan my life until mid-Sunday.
Yesterday, I picked up Bill from the airport, and we spent the day together. I was so happy. I missed the cuddles, and falling asleep on my bed. It was just wonderful.
I miss being in school, though. I miss the freedom. I miss going to bed whenever I felt like and not getting lectures about it. I miss going places, and loitering in Wegmans, I miss doing the dozens of things I've done with Lisa over the past two years, and when I think about that, I get terribly sad, because it's then that I realize that I won't be doing those things very often at all anymore. I can't go to class with Lisa anymore, or go to dinner with her. I have to wait for hugs and bedcuddles and Wegmans adventures and trips to Tim Horton's and the EggPlant and everything. It sucks. It's going to suck. It's going to be hard to leave my room sometimes.
We've been teaching Dante to go outside without a leash and stay in the yard. Today, I walked out with him, and he went past the fence, near the garage, and I had to yell at him until he came back. And then he nearly went into the road to investigate a barking dog across the street. It was really scary.. I don't think I'll be letting him out without a leash for a little while. He's been surprisingly good other than that, though.
I have an overwhelming feeling to leave.


14 May 2009

It's been two days

Yesterday, I rode my bike [albeit with insufficient air in the tires] down Church St, going as fast as I could, arms outstretched, the wind through my hair. It was amazing. The kind of feeling you don't mind waiting all year for.
Today, I'm trying to find some good qualities about me. It seems like, lately, I've only discovered bad ones - self esteem, for example - and it worries me, because I suddenly feel like I have nothing good about me, nothing that keeps people around me anymore. I'm worried that these things are going to destroy my relationships unless I find some good qualities to strengthen, as well as targeting the bad ones.
I'm really sick. I saw a doctor yesterday, and she told me I have tonsilitis, and gave me an antibiotic. I've discovered that I'm congested enough to make it too hard to play hide-and-seek, which I tried to play with my brother and some of our friends yesterday. I've lost a lot of sleep over it. I can't breathe through my nose, because I'm congested, but breathing through my mouth is painful, so I keep waking up and then I'm not able to go back to sleep. Hopefully, I'll start feeling better soon.
Dante hurt his paw on Tuesday, when I got back. He managed to open the screen door by himself and ran to my car and jumped all over me when I opened the door, and I noticed he got blood on my pants. He's been licking and biting at his paw ever since. He's actually been pretty well behaved thus far, so I'm happy about that.
Earlier, when I was looking for my comb, I fell onto the floor and just started crying hysterically. I have no idea why. It's not like losing my comb was so devastating, and I even asked myself why I was suddenly freaking out. It's kind of scary. I hope that doesn't happen again.

11 May 2009

This is it

It's inevitable.
The semester is over, and I never had a say in it. I wish I had. I want things to keep going, just a little while longer. It won't happen. The kind of pain I'm feeling has no words, but every word.
How do you smile when your lungs are screaming for air?