I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what defines me as not just a person, but as a character, so here are some of them.
1. Despite it's nearly constant presence, I have a mild phobia of clutter in my personal space. Part of the reason I tend to have clutter is my everlasting battle to overcome the phobia on my own.
2. When I was in kindergarten, I was one of the most popular kids in my class. My parents told me to limit the number of friends I invited to my birthday party, because they didn't want to clean the house after so many kids. By the very next year, I had a hard time filling the ten slots the Skate Factory "required" for holding a birthday party there.
3. I have a hard time completing certain tasks without the presence of background noise, namely music. This includes driving.
4. I have an extremely hard time maintaining eye contact during a conversation, so I tend to look around the space for sometimes prolonged intervals. My mind has to keep active on multiple things at once to remain focused. That said, I have a harder time talking on the phone than in person.
5. Regardless of what many think, my absolute favourite genre of music is classical, and I will generally turn to this genre when everything else fails to interest me. Generally, it renews my interest in other genres because I like to explore music influences.
6. I find very few reasons to be confident in myself. The few things I am sure that I can do well are cook and bake, and I am almost never shy about these things.
7. To my recollection, I have never actually believed that I was "cute" or "pretty," regardless of what people have told me. If I ever say I look cute, it's because something I am wearing influences the thought, not because I think it is a direct attribute of myself as a person.
8. I have never ever actually lost my temper. Any instances of anger are always simply that.
9. When I was very young, I would disagree with normal kid things, like early bedtimes and rules about candy and playtime. To rationalize my parents' "Unfair" actions, I used to tell myself that they surely were my grandparents, because my real parents would never have such unreasonable rules. I quickly grew out of this phase.
10. Generally, the first thought that comes into my head when I meet someone is that I should never take up much of their time, because they have more important things to do than to get to know me.
11. In a similar vein, the first thought that enters my head when I sit next to someone on the bus is that they are mad at me for sitting next to them.
12. I have a very hard time interpreting faces that aren't very explicit. This is probably why I often misread what some would call "indifference" as "anger."
13. I have had exercise-induced asthma since I was very young. It took until I was twenty for it to be "officially" diagnosed, and I was given medication to control it. Because I am not used to taking the medication, I often forget to use it, and deal through most of my attacks. Since I was fifteen, it has gotten worse, and I have developed more triggers for attacks which include, but are not limited to: car exhaust, cigarette smoke, and humidity. There are some days where I simply cannot get enough air into my lungs, without any logical reason.
14. I have had panic attacks since I was about seventeen. It has never been officially diagnosed because I have never told a doctor about it. In the last two year, the attacks (in general) have gotten worse, and more numerous. Most people don't realize it, because I've gotten really good at hiding them.
15. One of the biggest things that annoy me is when people talk loudly for very long periods on their cell phones in places like buses, restaurants, and stores. I feel that these conversations should be short and quiet, in respect for other people. I actually will never answer a phone whilst riding a bus. On that same note, I am generally annoyed by people who do not turn their phone ringtones from the loudest setting to at least something quieter, if not vibrate, when in a public space.
16. There have been people who have gotten upset with me because I've had an asthma attack in the presence of a smoker. In each case, I wanted to run away from that person and not stop for three miles, because I felt utterly ashamed to be with them.
17. Despite the fact that I hate his music, one of the things I am the most proud of is my John Philip Sousa award, which now hangs over my desk space.
18. I have a hard time developing "favourites." This is because I have a hard time differentiating different degrees of "like" in my head. That said, I do have a few favourites, but I cannot tell you my favourite food, movie, or television show.
19. Despite having very many bad days, and what most people interpret as a bad outlook, I genuinely enjoy my life and have very few regrets.
20. I have never believed in "God." My spiritual beliefs recognize a spiritual strength that resides in everything from man to the wonders of nature, and that every person is a part of it. This strength has no name in my head.
21. I think moving to Pittsburgh was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel that I have become more confident in myself as an individual and as a person who portrays themselves to others. Since moving here, I have made a significant number of friends, and I readily talk to other students in the department about things other than chemistry. I have even held an extended conversation with a high school student on the bus about where the best places to eat are. As of right now, my closest friends are Chinese, a British-accented Turkish man who looks like a bear, a Korean girl, and two American-born students. I have never made friends this fast. Just a few days ago, I looked into the mirror and asked myself, "When did my shoulders become so broad?"
22. I left some of the people dearest to my heart in Syracuse, and it is painful every day to remember that I cannot walk across campus to see them anymore.
23. One of my best friends from Le Moyne is actually my former General Chem professor and Analytical/Instrumental lab instructor, Barbara Leo. Since I started spending time in her office in sophomore year, she has given me several gifts, which included a Tim Hortons gift card as congratulations for getting into grad school. Before I graduated, she took me out to dinner, and I now have her phone number. We exchange text messages regularly, and she has told me several times to just call her "Barb" from now on. I still can't do it...
24. Jamie and I have been referring to each other as "wife" for a couple of years now. When I first saw her on the bus as a freshman in high school, with her blue hair and piercings, I remember thinking that I wanted to be her friend so badly.
25. I don't care what anyone says, I think Dante is cute.
26. My brother and I actually cheated when naming Dante. The name was supposed to be entirely of my brother's mind, since I had named our previous dog, Jazmyn. He could not think of a name, however, and asked me for help when our parents were discussing how best to keep him. I suggested naming him after Dante Alighieri, the poet, and the name stuck. I wish Dante was as smart as the poet...
27. The spot where the cat bit my foot last summer left a scar.
28. My former (former) boss got mad at me when I was told by a doctor that I was unable to work for a week after the bite because my foot had swelled up to a size that could not fit in a shoe.
29. During the time that I was receiving rabies shots, I became so irritable that, in an argument with my dad, I screamed at him and walked out of the house for four hours. When I returned home, he said "Okay, I should never argue with you when you're getting rabies shots."
30. I have only gone horseback riding twice. Both times, the horses tried to throw me off mid-stride, even though I had made no other movements.
31. Several people have ended a friendship with me in the past because I was "too smart."
32. One of the things I worry about when I'm in Columbia County is running into people I know, who I don't really want to see anymore.
33. A significant portion of the girls I knew in high school have married and/or started having children. Very few have actually left the area.
34. I have a problem with losing things -- not having the ability to find something indicates extreme disorganization, and it makes me nervous.
35. When I'm nervous, I tend to fidget. This can be interpreted as: I am always nervous to some degree.
36. When I'm sick, the birthmark in the middle of my throat itches violently. No one believes me.
37. Even though I have five piercings and four tattoos, with the intention of getting more of both, I am actually terrified of needles.
38. One of the most influential people in my life is someone I've only met once. It was a twelve year-old girl named Zena, and I was fourteen when I met her. I was waiting for an X-ray in the office where I saw the orthopedist for my scoliosis. Her mother told my mother that she was getting the surgery in two months. My mom said I was still at the brace stage. Zena looked at me -- she had long pale-blond hair, green eyes, and freckles -- and said "Just wear it. Trust me, it's worth it." She said the whole thing with a smile. Not a bitter one, just a heartwarming, genuine smile. She said nothing else and I never saw her again.
This is a photograph of the Milky Way Galaxy, our galaxy, as we can see it at night. In other words, this is how our galaxy looks, looking from the inside. I've always found this "shape" very interesting. Doesn't it look like there's a tear in the sky? As though our solar system, or maybe just Earth, is bursting through the seams of our galaxy, pushing out, expanding (just as some theories say). I think it's interesting to think about it this way, since many people have speculated that mankind will someday expand its civilization beyond Earth, and will colonize other planets. Is this theory not a social, cultural, and physical example of Earth, as well as man, bursting at the seams? Will the universe as a whole ever have this appearance?
Still, I think mankind is already pushing against the threads that keep it bound to our soil, in very real ways. We rely so heavily on computers in our modern lives, what's to stop us from turning towards an existence in which the mind is transferred to a machine, removing man's physical limits to Earth a la Ghost in the Shell? Even the movie Surrogates gives exploration of man's drive to be removed from the absolute physical and into the surreal physical.
Last week at graduate seminar, one of the presenting professors discussed his research, which mainly dealt with the use of carbon nanotubes. One hypothesis accompanying the use of these nanotubes is that we can use these things to create an elevator that goes into space, i.e. the International Space Station. Can you imagine hopping into an elevator, and instead of hitting a number, you hit "S," for SPACE?
Perhaps the tear in the sky isn't so innocent looking after all.
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