24 March 2009

Falling apart

I'm having a lot of trouble lately.
I keep getting distracted from my homework. I'm starting to do things at the last minute again. I'm getting frustrated with customers who call and say "I just unzipped this file that has a program in it, but I can't find it," and I have to remind them that it's probably in the programs folder, and that's a good place to check fairly often. It bothers me that I get so many calls about people forgetting their passwords.
I totally freaking messed up my Dante quiz on Monday because I didn't study as well for it Sunday evening.
I thought I did really well on my Organic exam. In real life, I got an 84. Most of those points came from the Part II short answer questions, because I only missed one of out 40 there. All the points were taken from the multiple choice questions because I can't remember things.
I freaking failed my stupid Calculus exam with a 2.4/4.0. And he wants us to correct it for a quiz grade.
I feel lonely all the freaking time.
I feel like I have no time to do anything, but I still say "Let's go to Wegmans for two hours," because it's way more enjoyable than homework.
My dad is being a total jerk about my brother's grades.
I had a really terrible dream about my brother. One of the ones that make me cry and feel lonely when I wake up.
I hate stupid lab, even though that's probably the class I'm doing the best in.
I can't pay attention in philosophy, even when I don't screw around with my iPod the whole time, because then I just start doodling all over the place.
I'm uncomfortable all the time. My skin is dry, my muscles hurt, and every single position that I sit, lay or stand in is uncomfortable.
I have terrible self-esteem issues.
I feel like a failure and a disappointment to everyone, including myself.
I'm having panic attacks... pretty much every day. At least one, sometimes more. Same thing goes for crying.
My legs feel weak when I'm walking. Which means I'm insane, I'm sick, or there's so much crap in my blood vessels that I'm barely circulating blood anymore.

Good things in the past week:
Saw Bill on both Saturday and Sunday, both under unusual but pleasant circumstances.
Erin is having her baby next month.

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