Today's not over yet, but I feel more like writing something than doing lab. Which is weird. I never feel like doing lab the evening I have it, but I feel like I need to get a lot of things done as soon as I can.
Tomorrow, I have to work at um... nine I think. Yeah nine. Ugh. Maybe I should just go to bed now...
I'm exhausted. Probably for a lot of reasons other than the sleeping for only five hours part. I feel drained. And kind of shaky. Dinner sucked today, so I'll blame dinner.
Today, Dante was cancelled. Apparently, Steve Wrinn lives far enough away that the journey to Syracuse in this weather is bad enough to be deemed dangerous. It meant I could go to dinner. It definitely was not worth it.
I hate working in groups with people I don't know and therefore are not comfortable with. Unfortunately, Calculus is all over that. Mike Miller seems to think it's a grand idea. I would rather figure out problems by myself, but he freaks out every time he says "groups" and I'm not near another human being. I feel like I should have the option to work by myself. It would have been nice in Calculus lab today.
The human I work with is named Thomas Harrington, and when he introduced himself to me last week when we were deemed "partners" by Miller, he had this goofy "I'm still in high school in my mind and feeling silly because you're a girl," smile on his face. It made me want to punch him. But maybe I'm just irritable.
But I hate having to do that. Work with someone who irritates me, and having to rely on them to get the right answer, and if you see something wrong, hope that you pointing it out will cause them to correct it instead of initiating a debate about who is actually correct. I hate the idea of relying on someone else to do something correctly so that you don't get a bad grade. Or fired. Or dead. It's like...carpooling. I could never carpool to work, because I would get so nervous and upset if I was late because someone else was late because they were doing their hair, or shearing sheep. Or eating their weight in toast. I remember once when my mom drove me to work before I got my car, because she needed hers for the day, and she dropped me off like, ten minutes late. I was so ticked off. I always got her to and from work on time when I borrowed her car, and she made me late. I suppose I shouldn't have been so upset about it, but it was like... I don't know. I hate unreliability. If I'm going to be late, I want it to be because I was negligent. If I get a bad grade on an assignment or a project, I want it to be because I messed it up. I guess it's also because I hate blaming other people, whether or not it's their fault.
I mean, working together kind of ensures that you'll catch each other's mistakes [by which I'm referring to working together in class, not projects in which people work on things at home and put it together and glue everyone's name on it with tacky glue and gold leaf], but there's no guarantee that if you catch it, they'll acknowledge it. You might just fight about it for a while and then get ticked off, and result to pointing out the mistake when the grade comes back and it's bad. And I hate arguing with people. I'm bad at it. Even if I know I'm right, or that my idea is good, as soon as someone says, "that's stupid, you suck," I can never think of anything to say. My argument falls apart. I'm bad at countering things, is what it is.
On a much lighter note, I'm seeing Bill this weekend. It's very exciting, and I can't wait. I know I only saw him like, two weeks ago, but I miss him. I was so happy cuddling and watching movies and stuff. I want those things to last forever. Someday, they will, but Someday seems like a long wait away. This weekend is a long wait away.
I'm starting to feel similar to the way I do after I've had two coffees and nothing else to drink. Shaky. Nervous. Jittery. Distracted. But I haven't had any coffee today. Just tea. Maybe I'm just really hungry.
Stand up
Stand tall
Say it loud and proud,
Just like they say...
Unlike they say.
Open up.
Deep breath.
In
Out
In.
Words
streaming, flowing, drifting, bursting.
Pause.
Dramatic effect.
A sly smile, and a glance around the room.
You've caught their attention.
Their waiting.
Words
streaming, flowing, drifting, bursting.
Exclamations, provocations, questions, answers,
cries, whispers.
Leaning in. They're caught. Can't get out.
In
Out
In.
SPEAK.
That came from the word SPEAK, which I wrote in my creative writing notebook on Tuesday.
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